


if you love me tell me so

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Complicated Relationships, Drama & Romance, Feelings Realization, I Don't Even Know, Lack of Communication, M/M, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, The story evolved but I'm not really sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2020-11-09 03:55:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20847122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: “Ladies and gentlemen, please stay calm. We’re having some technical issues and we need to make an emergency landing at the Madrid airport. Please, stay in your seats.”aka the plane has issues, and Yuzuru has realizations. What can go wrong?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is honestly kinda silly, but also angsty, so in general I hope you'll enjoy! And I apologize for any mistakes that escaped my attention!  
Title and quote at the beginning from 'Glow' by Gavin James.

_I'm trying to keep my feelings close_  
_ But I miss you I suppose_  
_ It's from my fingers to our toes_  
_ There are secrets no one knows_  
_ It's just a disguise, a little white lie_  
_ Digging a hole to find out_

* * *

Yuzuru always liked flying. It was something he was used to, after so many years of travelling back and forth from one side of the world to the other. He knew airports, and he knew planes, and actually he was finding it pretty relaxing. It was nice, to be up in the sky, when no one could call him and demand anything, when he could just curl on his window seat with his headphones on, look at the clouds shifting beneath him and just… just be. Dream a little.

He glanced on his right and saw Brian, who was reading something on his phone, his brow furrowed. He had his hands full with so many skaters on grand prix final, and Yuzuru smiled to himself slightly before leaning against the window and closing his eyes. The flight was long but for some reason he hadn’t managed to sleep during the past few hours; but now he felt sleep creeping on him and he sighed quietly. Past months had been intense, and he was pretty relieved that he was now on that plane to Torino. It had been a bit of a struggle, but all that mattered was that he made it.

\- he woke up with a gasp, and his ears were instantly filled with loud gasps and some child crying loudly. He blinked, confused, and then yelped when the plane shook and leaned a bit on the right side.

“What-” he muttered and Brian gave him a tight, reassuring smile.

“Turbulence.” Brian explained before turning in his seat and looking to the row behind them “You guys okay?”

Jun and Zhenya mumbled something, but then squealed when the plane shook again, and Yuzuru winced. It wasn’t anything new, he had been on flights that were shaky, but that was quite strong, and he didn’t blame anyone for getting stressed. He was pretty calm himself, until a few moments later he heard some child’s high pitched voice _Mommy, why is there black smoke outside_ and the hell cut loose. People were screaming, Brian tried to calm Jun and Zhenya down while getting paler with every second, but Yuzuru didn’t feel anything, for a moment. He winced, and he turned to look through the window; he didn’t see anything concerning on his side, but the plane was still shaking, and there was some weird sound, as if metal scratching against metal. Yuzuru could see that they were still high, but they were losing height with every moment, but it didn’t feel real, exactly. Yuzuru kept on staring at the ground beneath them, clearly visible, and he wondered what time it was, with the sun shining so bright, and what country was down there, green and yellow and brown.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please stay calm. We’re having some technical issues and we need to make an emergency landing at the Madrid airport. Please, stay in your seats.”

There was more loud voices, someone screaming, someone crying, and Yuzuru was still feeling numb, as if it was some weird, intense dream. But then something clicked inside him, and all he could think about was _Madrid, Madrid, Madrid_, and that of course led his mind straight to Javi, and his heart clenched weirdly.

It was the closest they were to each other physically in months, and that realization finally made Yuzuru feel something, and he couldn’t help but laugh, quiet and almost hysterical. No one paid attention to that, Brian still occupied with taking care of the kids, but Yuzuru still covered his mouth with his hand, surprised by his own reaction. Because suddenly all he could think about was Javi, and he couldn’t hear people around him anymore, he couldn’t feel the turbulence, and the only thing he was aware of was his own loud heartbeat and the way his stomach churned, and it had nothing to do with the fact that they all were in a pretty dangerous situation, and everything to do with the fact that-

\- the landing was tough and Yuzuru was thrown against the wall, hitting his head pretty hard, and that knocked him back to reality.

“Are you okay?” Brian asked with worry and Yuzuru nodded, touching his forehead and wincing slightly.

The evacuation was hectic, but no one got hurt; when they got into the terminal it took them some time to find out what was going to happen now. Jun and Zhenya were cuddling in a corner of a crowded terminal, and Yuzuru was just sitting straight on the floor, feeling like his mind wasn't exactly connected to his body.

_ Javi Javi Javi. _

He was the only thing Yuzuru could think about, all the memories crushing Yuzuru's chest, all the new feelings - or maybe not so new, in the end?- swirling inside him, filling his lungs. He could barely hear the buzz around him, everything muffled, and he could only listen to his wildly beating heart as everything was slowly shifting into place.

"We won't fly before tomorrow's morning, so we're going to the hotel now, come on guys, get up. Everyone okay? Great, then let's keep moving, you need some food and good rest-"

Yuzuru followed Brian absently, his mind barely registering his words, but his body was doing its job; he got inside a bus that took them to a hotel not too far away, and when some time later he was sitting on a neatly done bed, he wasn't exactly sure how we had gotten there.

Yuzuru closed his eyes, and thought the loud pulsing of his own blood, he heard a quiet, nagging voice that he had been trying to shut down for way too long.

_ Go to him. Tell him. Tell him, because you might never get another chance. _

Working like on an autopilot, he took his phone and dialed Brian's number, not feeling like talking to him in person now.

"Hey Yuzu, are you okay, do you want me to-"

"I'm okay, thank you. Brian, can you… give me Javi's address? Please?"

"Why do you need it?" Brian asked, confused, and then sighed quietly "Oh Yuzu-"

"I just want to stop by and say hi."

They both knew it was a lie, but after a moment of silence Brian sighed again and told Yuzuru he would send him a message with Javi's address.

Still feeling not exactly himself, Yuzuru took a shower and changed into some comfortable clothes before typing the address to check how to get there. It still felt weird, like everything was blurry, as if it was a dream, but if there was one thing he knew, is that he had to see Javi, he had to-

Yuzuru shook his head, trying to snap back to reality. He grabbed his jacket and his beanie, absently thinking what his team would think about him going out like that, in a strange city, without any bodyguard. But his security was waiting in Torino, and Yuzuru flinched when he thought how they would freak out, knowing about all the flight problems. He already had some messages he should read and answer, but in the end he only texted his mom, letting her know that everything was okay.

The first bus he took was packed, and he recognized some people from his flight, who probably wanted to go to the city and relax after the stressful events. Some of them smiled at him, clearly recognizing him too, and he returned all the smiles before readjusting a hood of his jacket and leaning against the window, watching as they were going deeper into the city.

He was still feeling a bit off, but he couldn't help but notice that Madrid looked pretty, and it was no wonder that Javi loved it so much-

_ Javi. _

Yuzuru closed his eyes, inhaling deeply through his nose, and he pressed his hand against his heart, rubbing a little, hoping that maybe it would help him ease the pressure a bit. It didn't help, of course, and Yuzuru scrunched his nose, unhappy and miserable, but also feeling his heart fluttering with excitement.

He had been so stupid. So stupid and so blind, and he needed to go through a moment of ultimate terror to realize what was there all along. It was such an utter cliche, something straight from some stupid class B movie. But Yuzuru couldn't remember the last time he had felt so much, his emotions so strong and messy; he was confused, and nothing felt real except that one thing, loud and ringing inside him.

_ I love him. I always have. _

Yuzuru wasn't even sure what he expected, he just felt that he needed Javi to know, because otherwise he would regret it forever.

It was probably the worst timing possible; he had to compete in a few days, it was a crucial moment of the season, and just now he was realizing that he loved that amazing, silly man living in entirely different, and such a beautiful corner of the world.

The doorbell was pretty loud, and Yuzuru flinched slightly when he pressed it, startled. He moved his weight from one foot to another, licking his lips nervously, preparing what to say, and he heard footsteps inside, and he took a deep breath, and-

She was even prettier in person. Thin, with long hair and big eyes, and smile that was a little bit confused.

It was like a cold shower.

Yuzuru had been so lost in his brand new realizations and feelings that he forgot, he completely forgot, and now he was only seeing that the situation wasn't only about him.

They kept on looking at each other, her face full of wonder, and Yuzuru knew he should say something, or maybe run away, but then he heard Javi's questioning voice and his heart stopped for a moment.

And then, Javi was there, standing behind her, and his face was a picture of pure shock. Yuzuru couldn't help but notice that he looked good, soft and comfortable, but then everything changed, his shoulders tensing, eyes widening as he stared at Yuzuru from over his... girlfriend's shoulder, looking as if he was seeing a ghost.

The silence was awful, heavy, ringing in Yuzuru's ears, and he started feeling dizzy, and there was hurt and embarrassment filling his entire body, and he knew he should say something, apologize and pretend it never happened, but his body was like frozen, and he could just stand there like an idiot he was, looking at Javi and feeling his heart breaking slowly, piece by piece.

She was the one to move first.

She smiled at Yuzuru, soft and gentle and understanding, and then turned to face Javi, speaking quiet and fast.

Yuzuru watched how Javi's expression changed, and it was so puzzled Yuzuru couldn't really read into it. He said something too, sounding soft and almost vulnerable, and she shook her head, touching his cheek with a loving gesture. Javi said something again, taking her hand and kissing it, and she laughed shortly, and Yuzuru felt like an intruder, like a terrible, awful person.

But then she took her bag and jacket and stepped out of the apartment, giving Yuzuru one more smile before leaving, her footsteps fading away in the quiet corridor.

Yuzuru moved his gaze to Javi's eyes again, and his lips went dry, heart stuttering, because Javi's eyes were shining with so many things he couldn't decipher even one, and it terrified him so much he almost forgot what he was supposed to do.

"So-" Javi cleared his throat, gaze dropping to somewhere close to Yuzuru's collarbone "You want to come in?"

"I- yes. If you have time. If I can."

Javi didn't answer, just stepped aside, silently showing Yuzuru to walk inside. Yuzuru followed him to the kitchen, each step making the lump in his throat getting bigger and bigger.

"Do you want tea? I think I have green one somewhere, I will look for it." Javi said without even looking at him, making his way to the cupboards, and Yuzuru stopped next to the table, awkward, wondering if it all wasn't just a terrible, terrible mistake, and he was just some egoistic fool.

He opened his mouth but didn't answer, too caught up in his messy feelings. Javi didn't ask again, proceeding with preparations, his shoulders still a bit tense, head low, and Yuzuru had no idea how to voice everything he wanted to say, words getting caught in his throat.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Torino now?" Javi asked, still not looking at Yuzuru, very carefully pouring water into the mugs, and the sound of his voice, forced and calm, brought Yuzuru back to reality.

"We had... we had plane problems." he said, cringing at his heavy, slow words "And I asked Brian. For address."

"That's nice." Javi said, his voice flat, and suddenly, Yuzuru couldn't hold it in anymore.

So, just like that-

"I love you."

Javi dropped a spoon, harsh sound filling the room, and Yuzuru couldn't breathe.

"What?" Javi asked, quiet, so quiet Yuzuru almost didn't hear it. 

For a second he wanted to brush it away, but then he realized that there was no way out, now. 

"I love you." he said quietly "And I just want you to know. I love you." 

Javi made a weird sound, something between a sob and laugh, his shoulders shaking a little. 

And then he turned around, and the look on his face made Yuzuru's heart break into a million pieces.

"No." Javi said, his eyes glistening, voice trembling "No, you don't." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. It was supposed to be a short easy 2 chapter fic, but! I started thinking about it, and I realized the story inside my head is much more complex. So, buckle up, keep an eye on the tags, and I hope you'll enjoy!

_"No, you don't."_

Yuzuru blinked quickly, feeling as if Javi slapped him, his brain not really catching up with the words he had just heard. Did Javi misunderstand him, he had every right to be surprised and confused, Yuzuru had to make it right-

Javi moved suddenly, and Yuzuru's heart skipped with something like both anxiety and anticipation. But Javi only walked closer and put one of the mugs on the table, and Yuzuru could see his eyes now, dark and blazing, and so unfamiliar he felt his chest going cold. 

"You want sugar?" Javi asked, words polite but the tone was close to a hiss "I'll get it for you." 

He walked back to the counter, opening a cupboard with more force than needed, and Yuzuru had never felt more helpless and confused, with no idea what was happening. He understood that he was acting weird, and that it was all super unexpected, but Javi wasn't acting like himself, and that… that was scaring Yuzuru, it was scaring him a lot, so he swallowed heavily before opening his mouth again. 

"Javi, I-" 

"No." Javi said stubbornly, still looking inside the cupboard "No. I have only white sugar, I hope it's fine?" 

He clearly didn't want to talk about it, and Yuzuru knew that maybe he should respect that, but he couldn’t leave it like that. Something was wrong, something was terribly wrong; Yuzuru knew that Javi didn't feel the same way, but he still wanted to make sure that everything was okay between them, and right now nothing felt right. 

So he tried again. 

"Javi-" 

"Shut up!" Javi yelled, turning around, and Yuzuru's breathing hitched when he saw his expression, crumpled and twisted with pain, his eyes dark and wide. 

"You-" Javi choked out, leaning against the counter heavily, his eyes boring holes in Yuzuru’s face "Who the hell do you think you are?" 

Yuzuru gasped, his lungs burning with a breath he had been holding too long, his heart beating wildly. He didn't understand, he didn't understand Javi's words, his frantic expression, his eyes that were filled with both ice and fire. 

He had no time to think about it, or ask, because Javi wasn't done, words leaving his mouth rapidly, loudly, breathlessly, his accent heavier with every second. 

"I can't believe. I- you have the audacity to come here and tell me you… that you love me?" his voice faltered a little at the end, his jaw working, fingers curling on the edge of the counter as if he needed to steady himself "This is ridiculous, you can't-" 

"It's not ridiculous." Yuzuru said quietly, getting a little dizzy from that terrible pain growing inside his chest and crawling to every part of his body "This is how I feel. I lo-" 

"Six fucking years!" Javi screamed so loudly Yuzuru flinched, realizing that before that day he had never heard Javi screaming like that "Six years of training together, and now, suddenly, you think you have feelings for me?! You… do you know how many messages you sent me during those years? Fourteen! I know because I fucking counted all of them, and I could recite them all by heart, but you- you don't even care! You only remember about me when I'm near, or when you need me, and then you don't give a shit about me, and I'm done! I don't want it! I don't-"

Javi suddenly stopped, his whole body deflating, and Yuzuru watched in silent horror as he slowly slid down to the floor, hiding his face against his knees. 

Yuzuru’s blood was hammering in his ears, deafening, and for a moment he couldn't hear anything except his pulse and Javi's words ringing inside his head, loud, confusing and carrying so much hurt and despair Yuzuru's head was spinning. 

But then he heard a muffled sob and he snapped out of his daze, realizing that Javi was crying, his shoulders trembling, face still hidden against his knees. 

And that- that hopeless sound, seeing Javi so vulnerable- it terrified Yuzuru more than anything else. 

"Javi." 

Yuzuru's voice was hoarse as he stepped closer and kneeled in front of Javi, not daring to touch him yet. 

"Please, talk to me." he begged and in return he heard even louder sob, Javi's shoulders shaking "Javi, I'm sorry, I didn't…" 

"Stop." Javi asked brokenly. He sat upright, his eyes still closed as he leaned back, tears on his face shining "Don't. I don't want to. I don't. I can't do it now. It's too late. It's too late and I just want to be happy, I just-" 

He opened his eyes, fresh tears running down his face, but when he finally looked at Yuzuru, there was none of that unfamiliar hostility left in his gaze. 

"I'm sorry." he said quietly, and the smile he gave Yuzuru was soft and wet and heartbreaking "But I think you should go." 

"No." Yuzuru said hollowly "I'm sorry too, but I'm not going. Not until we talk. I'm so sorry, Javi, but I can't." 

Javi looked at him blankly, and then sighed quietly, shaking his head and not saying a word. He clearly didn't have any intention of getting up, so Yuzuru sat next to him, keeping a small distance so Javi wouldn't feel uncomfortable. 

He needed to talk. He needed to try and make everything right, and then he would leave and not look back, because he had already caused Javi too much trouble and too much hurt, because he was such a freaking egoist. And he had wasted years, years of playing dumb with his own feelings, and it all led him there, to Javi's kitchen, and he was sitting on the floor, looking at the wall in front of him. 

It was quiet and wrong, and Yuzuru had to force himself to speak, his lips and tongue not cooperating and his throat hurting. 

"There was a… situation, today. In a plane, it was dangerous. People were screaming and thinking we were going to die. And I- I could think only about you. Only you." Yuzuru said quietly, turning to look at Javi, who was staring at his own hands, and Yuzuru could have sworn he was smiling, just a little bit. 

That was good. If Javi smiled, everything was going to be okay. 

"I'm sorry." Yuzuru said, the words burning his mouth "I'm sorry, for coming here like that, for telling- but I felt like I needed to. I had to-" his voice cracked a little and he cleared his throat, trying to keep himself together. He didn't want to burst into tears now, cause Javi even more burden. He had messed up just enough. 

After an eternity of silence, Javi sighed, deep, exhausted, and stood up heavily, leaning against the counter. Yuzuru followed him quickly, standing up clumsily, and when he looked at Javi again his heart almost stopped, because Javi was staring right into his eyes, a few teardrops shining on his long lashes. 

He looked both tired and gentle and beautiful, and once again Yuzuru wondered how in the world it had taken him so long to realize the obvious. 

"I'm sorry." Javi said quietly "For screaming, and… I shouldn't have reacted like that. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Yuzuru said, the words cutting his throat like glass "I understand that you don't feel the same, I didn't expect that you would. But I just… I wanted you to know."

Javi closed his eyes, his expression twisting, and when he looked at Yuzuru again, his gaze belonged to someone much older. 

"If you love someone, you should always tell them." he said quietly "No matter what." he smiled, soft and teary- eyed again "Your tea must be cold by now." 

"I think I need to go. Brian will worry." 

He needed to get out of there, he needed air, and he needed to think, and he needed to forget that wounded expression on Javi's face, and the hurt tone of his voice. 

"Okay." Javi nodded, and suddenly he looked just like always, soft, gentle, almost happy "Good luck on the final, Yuzu."

"Thanks." Yuzuru squeaked, taking a small step back "Thank you." 

When Yuzuru left Javi's apartment a few minutes later, mind dizzy and body weak, he realized that they hadn't touched even once. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi it's me, your favourite disaster author! I hope you enjoy, still :D

“Hey, Earth to Yuzu! Are you okay?”

Yuzuru flinched, brutally torn from his bubble, and looked at Zhenya, who was watching him with her usual sweet smile, now underlined with concern.

"Yes, yes." Yuzuru said quickly, forcing himself to smile as well, even though he knew it was more of a grimace "Just drifted away. Do you need something?"

"Just wanted to check. You seem a bit odd, since-" Zhenya shrugged, her smile dimming, and Yuzuru immediately felt even worse. The troubles they had had in Madrid made an impact on all of them. Jun and Zhenya were still clearly affected, Yuzuru could see that in the way they were even louder than before, trying to talk with everyone, as if to cover all the anxiety that was still lingering in their minds.

And now, looking at Zhenya's smile, Yuzuru thought that he should be acting better. He should be supporting his younger teammates, help Brian out. But instead he was too deep in his own thoughts to do anything about it.

Because for him, Madrid had also been a bad experience, but in entirely different way.

He had barely slept since then, his mind replaying everything what happened in Javi's apartment, and Yuzuru could think only about it, torturing himself with recalling Javi's words, his eyes, his hurt expression.

It was as clear as a day, now. Javi had loved him, at some point, probably years before, and Yuzuru was too blind to notice, and too focused on himself to notice. He was too late, and he only caused damage to himself, to Javi, to their fragile friendship.

Yuzuru couldn't forgive himself, acting on his feelings like that. He should have known better.

Even in love, he was so selfish.

"I'm fine." Yuzuru said with difficulty, focusing on Zhenya again "And you?"

"I'm okay! A bit nervous, but I'm excited, I really want to skate!" Zhenya babbled, as if relieved that he wanted to talk "I think my practice went good, what about you?"

"It's... not perfect. But the competition will be good."

Not perfect was understatement. Yuzuru had been barely landing his jumps, everything feeling off, hundreds of eyes watching him making him feel unusually nervous. He couldn't stop imagining what if people knew, what if everything was visible on his face.

What if they knew that he was skating with a broken heart?

Brian knew that something was off, Yuzuru could tell, but his coach didn't say anything. He didn't ask why Yuzuru had gone to visit Javi, and what happened, and why Yuzuru looked dead on his feet during one of the most important competitions of the season. And maybe Brian knew the truth, even, because sometimes he seemed to understand Yuzuru better than Yuzuru could understand himself.

"It will be okay." Zhenya said, her smile turning wide and honest again "I'm sure of it. We will both do okay."

It wasn't okay. It was as far from okay as it was humanly possible, and Yuzuru wasn't convinced if he could do it.

He was sitting on a bench in an empty locker room, his costume and skates on, and he knew he should move, he should get to the ice right now, but his body wasn't listening, tired after yet another night when he had falling in and out of the shallow slumber, not really able to tell reality from dreams.

Yuzuru stared at the phone in his hands, at a text he didn't remember sending.

_ I'm sorry for what happened. I hope we can still be friends. _

And an answer, short and polite, and absolutely soulless.

_ Don't think about it. Focus on the competition. Good luck! _

It was perfectly appropriate, perfectly normal, but all Yuzuru could think about was that now he had sent fifteen texts to Javi, and he couldn't breathe, regret and loss burning bitterly in his chest, raising in his throat, awful and suffocating.

Yuzuru closed his eyes, resting his head against the locker. He could hear the speaker, and an excited roar of the public, and he didn't want to go out there. He didn't want to put himself in the spotlight, he didn't want people to stare at him, he didn't want to hear his name falling from their lips in a praise he didn't deserve.

He wanted to go back to Toronto, he wanted to curl in his bed and hide under blankets, and sleep until his heart would be whole again.

It was so terrifying, knowing that in that case, skating wouldn't heal him, that he wouldn't find any solace in it, not know. Not when it was about Javi.

Not when he was slowly realizing that because of skating, he had never even try to think about anything, anyone else.

The noise was louder now, vibrating in the empty room, and Yuzuru took a deep breath, forcing the air into his lungs before standing up slowly, almost losing his balance for a second.

In the end, he was Yuzuru Hanyu. And maybe skating was the only thing destined for him.

* * *

Weeks following grand prix final were odd.

Yuzuru didn't feel like himself, and he still had no idea how he had pulled off his grand prix final performance, something that left him feel winded and hollow. He was feeling bad there, in Torino, his skin crawling, throat itching with a scream he had never let himself let out.

An it felt somehow freeing, to jump into plane home, throw himself into the busy life awaiting for him in Japan, all the media responsibilities filling his schedule tightly and demanding focus from him, and sometimes he could almost forget, he could mute that terrible ache in his heart that was radiating to every cell of his body.

At least he was sleeping better now, his childhood bedroom and the closeness of his family bringing him comfort he needed so terribly. And they were giving him all of that, warm embraces and loving smiles. It was clear that they could sense something too, but they didn't ask, giving him his space, like they always did.

But then, during one snowy evening three days before his return to Toronto, Saya knocked to his door, with two cups of tea in her hands and soft but stern smile.

"So, little brother." she said, sitting down on his bed, legs curling in a comfortable position "Talk to me."

"About?"

Yuzuru tried to stall, but she only tilted her head a little, clearly not really impressed with that attempt.

"Something's bothering you. And if you really don't want to talk about it, it's okay. But something tells me that you do."

Yuzuru opened his mouth to gently tell her that she was wrong, but then he realized that she was right, as always.

Maybe it would be good, to have one person know what was really going on with him. And Saya, she was so much of a better person than him, and she knew how to deal with people. So maybe, she would know what to do to make it all hurt a bit less, and maybe how to fix the damage he had done.

"You know how we had those problems with our plane, right?" he asked and Saya nodded, her expression serious.

"Yes, mom told us about it, but... you're okay, right? No one was injured or anything?"

"No, nothing like that." he said quickly, and then swallowed hard, looking down at his hands wrapped around a cup "It's... I went to see Javi." he blurted out and Saya blinked rapidly before gasping quietly, her expression softening.

"Oh Yuzu." she said, her voice full of sympathy "You really miss him, don't you?"

"I do." Yuzuru said, taking a deep breathe before looking her in the eyes "I love him."

It was freeing, to say it out loud; Saya looked surprised for a second, but then she smiled again, soft, understanding.

"Of course you do." she said quietly, reaching to touch his shoulder "You're going to be okay?"

It was everything she asked about, and at first Yuzuru was surprised that she didn't push for more details. But in the end, she was his sister, and she didn't need to hear more to know that things weren't exactly fine, and that it wasn't one of those easy, beautiful love stories she had been reading about so much.

"I don't know." Yuzuru said with all the honesty he had "But I will try."

* * *

He wasn't really much better, walking back into the club on the 3rd of January, his bag weighing a tone. But at least now Yuzuru was coming to terms with a realization that nothing was going to change, and he just kept on hoping that the feelings would fade away with time, taking everything away.

Yuzuru closed his eyes, stopping in the middle of the rink, inhaling the chilly air, listening to familiar voices surrounding him, to a smooth scraping of blades on the ice.

He knew that if he opened his eyes, he would see a Spanish flag right there, almost mocking, reminding him of everything he had lost.

Was he ready for that?

"Guys, a moment of attention!" Brian clapped, startling Yuzuru out of his little daze.

Yuzuru winced, not really in a mood for some motivational speeches. But then Jason gasped quietly, and Zhenya giggled like she hadn't in weeks, and Yuzuru's stomach churned, as if his body already knew.

"As you can see, we have a new coach in here, I bet you still remember him, huh?"

Slowly, Yuzuru turned around.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rostelecom giving me some much needed inspiration! Hope you enjoy!

It felt as if the time froze. 

Javi didn’t look good, Yuzuru realized with a painful tug in his heart. He looked tired, exhausted to the bone, and it for sure wasn’t an effect of just the long flight he had taken recently. He looked as if he hadn’t slept properly in weeks, and even under the thick layer of clothes, Yuzuru noticed that he looked thinner than before. 

And Yuzuru- he could only stare at Javi, feeling his fingers going colder despite gloves he was wearing, and everything was slowed down and muffled, Yuzuru’s pulse hammering in his ears. He silently watched how Zhenya and Jun threw themselves into Javi’s arms, and how Jason skated over, grinning and squealing with delight. And then there were eyes on his, smiling and expecting, and Yuzuru blinked, his head empty. 

“Don’t you want to say hi, Yuzu?” Brian asked, tilting his head in wonder, and Yuzuru blinked again, slowly realizing what was going on and why the others’ smiles were now dimming in slight confusion. 

But could they ever greet each other how they had used to?

He swallowed hard and gained enough courage to look Javi in the eyes, but he didn’t saw an hostility in them. Just exhaustion, and a bit of sadness, a flicker of softness. They looked at each other for a moment and then Javi’s lips curled up in a small smile, and he opened his arms a little, welcoming, and Yuzuru didn’t really think. He skated over to the edge of the rink and wrapped his arms around Javi, closing his eyes and hoping that they couldn’t hear how loud his heartbeat was. 

It was much shorter than their usual hugs, and Javi’s arms around Yuzuru were a bit stiff, but it felt good, to feel his warmth for a moment, his scent, to try and pretend that nothing painful had happened between them. But then they pulled away from each other, almost at the same time, and they couldn’t even look each other in the eyes, looking down and smiling weakly for the sake of everyone around them. 

“So.” Brian cleared his throat, and Yuzuru realized how awkward it must have been for him and the rest, and confusing “Javi will be starting tomorrow, and I’m not entirely sure which sessions he will be working at yet, but so you know, we have the Spanish one back in here!”

“Yay!” Zhenya exclaimed, skating closer again and taking Javi’s hand, putting her head on his shoulder, and Yuzuru couldn’t remember the last time he had seen her so happy “Can I sign up for all your classes already?”

“Everything from my favourite sister.” Javi smiled, ruffling her hair “Okay, it was great to see you guys, but I will be going back to my place, I need about ten hours of sleep now.”

“Yeah, take rest and we’ll see you tomorrow!” Jason exclaimed, patting Javi’s shoulder “So good to see you, Javi, it’s so cool!”

“We’re happy you’re back!” Jun exclaimed and Javi’s smile widened a little as he looked around, his eyes stopping at Yuzuru’s face for a second before looking away.

“Me too, guys. Me too.”

“Let me walk you out, I have two more things to talk about. I’m back in five minutes, and you all better be stroking while I’m gone!” Brian said before putting hand on Javi’s shoulder and heading for the door. 

Yuzuru had no idea what was going on. His mind was empty, and he could barely breathe, air coming in and out his lungs in short, quiet wheezes. 

“Yuzu? Yuzu, you okay?”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru choked out, but Zhenya’s frown even deepened, and Jason and Jun also looked at him with concern. 

“You look ready to collapse, you want to sit down for a moment?” Jason asked, skating closer and grabbing his elbow gently “It was quite a shock, huh? I wonder if he’ll stay for long-”

“Sorry.” Yuzuru squeaked, freeing himself from Jason’s hold and rushing away as quick as he could in his skates until he was hiding in one of the bathrooms, blissfully alone as he was leaning over a basin, trying to catch his breath. His head was spinning a little, and he closed his eyes, trying to make sense of what had happened.

Javi was in Toronto.

Javi was back. 

But why?

Yuzuru didn’t dare to imagine that he was a reason for that, not even for a second. There was too much shadows in Javi’s eyes, and too much distance in his smile for that to be true, and Yuzuru didn’t understand. If it was so awkward for Javi to be around him, then why he was back, why was he putting them both in such a situation. Was in some way to punish Yuzuru, because of what he had done? But that for sure wasn’t something Javi would do, not his sweet, kind Javi-

“He’s not yours.” Yuzuru muttered to himself, raising his head and meeting his own eyes in the mirror “And if he wants to be here, you won’t make it awkward. You did enough.”

* * *

Despite his best intentions, a week later things were painfully tense. Their paths didn’t really cross that much, as for now Javi wasn’t at any session Yuzuru was attending- Yuzuru didn’t know if it was intentional or not, and he was trying not to think about it. But they still bumped into each other sometimes, passing each other in the hallways or getting a glimpse of each other in the locker room sometimes, since Javi was using the same one as the students. But they didn’t talk, at all, only looked at each other for a second before looking away, as if the mere glance was burning them. 

Yuzuru didn’t know what to do. 

He was feeling anxious and stressed, and it was affecting his training, which was only making his frustration grow. Sometimes, lying awake at night and feeling dull ache of his muscles, he almost blamed Javi for that, and he was almost angry that he had come back like that, when Yuzuru was almost at peace with that whole new situation. But in the end, there was too much warmth and too much love circling in his veins, and Yuzuru would fall asleep with a small smile on his lips, trying to recall how it felt to hug Javi, to hear his smile. Those memories felt distant, but they were still vibrant in Yuzuru’s mind, as he dizzily wondered if he would ever be able to hold Javi in his arms again. 

* * *

“Yuzu, can you take a small break?”

Yuzuru winced, slowly getting up after a hard fall on a quad, rubbing his aching hip.

“Huh?”

“In my office, for a moment.” Brian said, and Yuzuru could tell by his expression that it was something serious, and he didn’t have energy to oppose.

“Okay.” he nodded simply and followed Brian to his office, thinking absently about what he would train after that little break. But then they walked inside, and Yuzuru stopped, suddenly rooted to the spot, because there was Javi, sitting on one of the chairs and looking as confused as Yuzuru was feeling.

“Uh?” Javi let out eloquently and Brian sighed, rubbing his face.

“Guys, you know that I hate to meddle. I really, really don’t want to do that, but things can’t go on like this. I can see that something is wrong, and I wouldn’t be saying anything, but other guys can feel it too, and I don’t like the atmosphere to affect them. So I’m leaving you in here for a few minutes, and I need you to try and work things out. Javi, stay here later so we can talk if your schedule will need some adjustments, or anything. I just want to know what I’m standing on, and I think you could use it too.”

With that, Brian left, the door closing quietly behind him, and suddenly they were alone, Javi sitting on a chair and Yuzuru leaning against the wall, looking anywhere but at each other. 

Yuzuru could feel his chest getting tight, his heart stuttering with anxiety, and he swallowed hard, thinking about anything he could say. Javi looked nervous too, his fingers curling on his knees, his jaw tense, and he seemed as miserable as Yuzuru was feeling. 

God, he would give anything to have a right to walk closer and touch Javi’s face, to smooth that lines on his forehead and around his mouth. To hold him, just for a minute. Just for a second.

“Why you came back?”

The words escaped his mouth without much thinking, and he gasped, watching how Javi flinched and looked up, his jaw working as he was looking at Yuzuru with big, tired eyes. 

“I-” he swallowed visibly “I didn’t know what to do.”

“What?” Yuzuru asked, and Javi blinked quickly, his eyes shining a little bit, and then he took a deep breath, as if he was bracing himself for something. 

“The shows ended, and I realized I had nowhere to go.” 

Yuzuru inhaled sharply, his heart clenching and stomach churning, and it hurt to look at Javi’s expression, pale and twisted with something terribly painful. 

“We’re not together anymore.” Javi said, blinking again, and it almost looked that he tried to smile, despite everything “We both decided that it would be the best. Because she deserves better than that, but I-” his voice cracked a little “But I miss her. I wanted to spend my life with her, and I miss her, and I didn’t know what to do, so I came here, because I thought it- I’m sorry.” he choked out, a few tears finally escaping his eyes and rolling down his cheek, and Yuzuru couldn’t breathe again. 

“What?” he asked weakly, because he didn’t understand why Javi was sorry, there was no reason-

“I didn’t want to mess with you.” Javi said, sniffling quietly “I don’t want to make things hard, I just… I didn’t know what to do, and-”

“And?” Yuzuru asked helplessly and Javi smiled wetly, shaking his head, looking as if he was giving up.

“And I guess I missed you too.”

Yuzuru’s heart stopped for a moment, only to resume it’s rapid, stuttering rhythm, and his lips had never felt dryer. 

That was not what he had expected and more than he deserved, and he was going to take it, without hesitation and without hope for more. 

“I’m sorry.” he said, his throat tight “Is it because of... “

“It’s not, Yuzu.” Javi smiled tiredly, and Yuzuru shuddered at the sound of his name on Javi’s lips “I just hoped that what we felt for each other would be enough.” 

“I’m sorry.” was all Yuzuru could say again, and Javi shook his head slowly.

“It’s okay.” he said, one of the very few lies he had ever told Yuzuru “But we… we are good, right? Because I really don’t-”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t afford losing you too.”

And yet again, the time froze. 

“You won’t.” Yuzuru said, his tongue burning “I’m your friend. If you want me to be one, after-” he stopped himself abruptly, scared, but Javi only smiled again, a bit brighter than before. 

“I want to. I really do.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru nodded, and it almost didn’t hurt anymore “Me too.”

And that had to be enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello, this story is coming back from war too! Hope you enjoy!

The landing was a little wobbly, and Yuzuru grimaced when his ankle throbbed, his body protesting against that torture. He shakes his leg a little before slowly skating over to the edge of the rink where Brian and Javi were standing, watching him with intent eyes.

"Well, that was a good session." Brian smiled slightly and glanced at Javi "Some minor issues, but it's normal at the end of the session, and you worked really hard today."

"Minor issues?" Yuzuru echoed, furrowing his brow, and Brian chuckled, as if it was funny.

"I'll leave Javi with that." he said before walking away and calling Jun's name. Since he had basically forced them to have a talk a week earlier, he was enjoying pushing them into face-to-face situations, acting like nothing awkward had ever happened.

It was awkward, still, but it was undoubtedly better than right after Javi's arrival to Toronto. Now they were able to look at each other without turning their faces away immediately, and they talked a little, short talks during training and meaningless exchanges of opinions about weather or something equally unimportant. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't terrible awful, even though Yuzuru would still feel that dull ache in his chest everytime he thought about how it had used to be.

Now, Javi was smiling at him, a bit sheepishly, clearly not really used to his position as a part of the coaching team.

"Just a few unders by the end. Not big, they could pass, but, yeah. It's been a long day though, so-"

"Yeah. Thanks." Yuzuru nodded, suddenly realizing how exhausted he was.

It was a long day indeed, and he wasn't pleased with how the session was ending, and he just wanted to get a shower, come back home and analyzed all that had went wrong so the next day his practice would be perfect. He skated away and did a few slow laps to cool off before going back to the edge and stepping off of the ice. His mind must have been somewhere else before after two steps he put his foot wrong and he tripped, basically falling on Zhenya who was right beside him, and nearly taking them both to the floor.

Zhenya let out a high pitched sound of surprise and Yuzuru yelped, trying to hold to her and keep them both standing at the same time, when he suddenly felt a strong arm wrapping around his waist and steadying him.

"Woah, easy!" Javi exclaimed, way too close to Yuzuru's ear "Everyone is good?"

"Yeah." Zhenya nodded, touching her shoulder and smiling.

Yuzuru couldn't answer, though, because his mind was just catching up with the fact that his back was pressed against Javi's chest, and that they were touching, being closer than they had in weeks. And of course his stupid body reacted to that, his heartbeat picking up, his cheeks growing hot, muscles tensing suddenly and then relaxing, and he basically went limp in Javi's embrace, exhaustion and adrenaline crashing inside of him.

"Yuzu? Hey, you alright?" Javi asked with concern, making Yuzuru turn around in his arms, examining his face closely "Come on, I will help you get back to the locker room."

Yuzuru wanted to oppose, but Javi was already half carrying him away, his expression full of friendly concern, and Yuzuru kept his mouth shut before he would say something weird. There was no point in making that awkward, they had done that dozens of times before, helping each other after a hard day, and now, even though he was in pain, Yuzuru was glad that there was no hesitation in him.

It was good, that they were learning how to be comfortable in each others' presence again.

They got to the locker room in silence, and once they stepped inside Javi gently helped him down on the bench, his moves gentle and careful.

"What's that? Is it your ankle?" he asked, looking at Yuzuru with concern and absolutely no distance, and Yuzuru felt like he was about to cry.

_ No, it's only me. And instead of getting over you, I'm falling in love with you more and more everyday. _

"It's okay. I'm just tired. Like you said, long day." Yuzuru said, trying to sound believable. Javi didn't seem exactly convinced, and Yuzuru wished he just walked away before something weird would happen, destroying that fragile balance they had.

But Javi wasn't the one to walk away in a situation like that, and to Yuzuru's silent dread, he kneeled down next to him and started untying Yuzuru's skates.

"What are you doing?" Yuzuru choked out, his voice high and full of badly hidden panic, unable to move, staring in mute horror how Javi's fingers moved carefully, and feeling closer and closer to tears with every second.

Was it some kind of a wicked torture? A revenge to punish him for messing their friendship up?

"Ouch!" he helped at the sharp spike of pain in his ankle and Javi looked up at him, alarmed, and Yuzuru swallowed quickly, trying to give him a smile "Sorry."

"Am I doing it wrong?"

"No, it hurts less than when I do on my own." Yuzuru blurted out and Javi blinked quickly, a shadow running through his face before he smiled gently again, slowly continuing his work.

"Okay?" he asked softly, putting his warm hand over Yuzuru's aching ankle "You need me to call for someone?"

"No, no, it's okay. I will warm it up in the shower." Yuzuru said, getting up quickly and turning around, frantically trying to open his locker and get all he needed "Thank you so much, see you tomorrow!" he exclaimed, limping to the washroom as fast as he could and ignoring Javi's offers to help.

Yuzuru had no idea how long he spent there, but for sure much longer than needed. He needed all that time to calm down, though, and to soak in hot warm, a part of him hoping that it would wash off the memory of Javi's touch from his skin.

It wasn't that he didn't want Javi's touch. No, he was still craving it, more than anything, but he knew that all his longing would never be fulfilled, and Javi would never touch him the way Yuzuru wanted to.

Javi was just being himself, kind and caring, and Yuzuru should be happy, he should be happy that despite everything Javi was still here, offering Yuzuru his friendship and slowly letting them grow closer again.

Yuzuru had no right to expect anything more.

He sniffled quietly, wiping his nose and turning the water off. He was feeling a bit better, his muscles and ankle not hurting as much as before, even though the exhaustion was still present. He dressed himself slowly, wincing slightly when he realized how long his mother was probably waiting for him, and he promised himself to spend some extra time with her after dinner. Maybe watch a movie. He had been neglecting her a little bit lately, too occupied with training and struggling with his feelings.

But then he walked back to the locker room and almost dropped the bundle of clothes he was holding, because Javi was still there, sitting next to Yuzuru's locker and looking down at his phone, but he raised his head the moment he heard Yuzuru's footsteps.

"Just wanted to make sure you would be okay." Javi said, smiling "Also, your phone made a very loud sound."

Yuzuru swallowed hard before smiling tightly and making his way closer, ignoring the painful throbbing of his foot. He took his phone and scoffed, feeling like everything during that day was working against him.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes. Just mom can't pick me up. Car problem." Yuzuru said shortly, trying to stop himself from screaming out loud.

Seriously, what was that day, a joke?

"Is she okay?" Javi asked, concerned yet again, and Yuzuru just didn't want him to look like that ever again.

"Yeah. I just need to, uhh, get a ride home."

"Okay." Javi clapped and Yuzuru almost jumped, startled, but managed to contain himself, remembering his foot "I was planning to call an uber for myself so I can give you a ride first?"

It was the last thing Yuzuru needed right now was being trapped in one car with Javi, but beside that, there was no reason to say no to that perfectly nice and reasonable offer.

"Okay." Yuzuru muttered, defeated, and Javi flashed him a smile before clicking something at his phone and putting it back to his pocket.

Ten minutes later they were sitting in a backseat of a silver Skoda, the driver humming to the radio playing quietly, and Yuzuru felt like dying. He didn't know what to do with himself, so he looked outside, at the city moving behind the car window, and suddenly, he went back. He went back to that bus ride in Madrid, when everything had been painfully clear and he was rushing towards Javi with three words dancing on the tip of his tongue.

What a fool he had been.

“Hey Yuzu?” Javi’s voice brought Yuzuru from his daze and he flinched, turning to look at Javi but avoiding his eyes, focusing on his left ear.

“Yes?”

“Would you like to go for coffee tomorrow? Or tea, I know you’re not into coffee-”

“No. Yes. N- I-” Yuzuru babbled, feeling panic in his throat and butterflies in his stomach.

He wanted to go for coffee, he wanted to hang out with Javi, he wanted to be his friend like he had promised he would be.

But there was a certain way he reacted to Javi’s closeness, and he didn’t want to ruin the way Javi acted. Yuzuru had a second chance now and there was no way he would let his stupid feelings put his relationship with Javi at risk again.

“Yeah. It can be nice.” he said through his clenched throat.

Javi smiled, and Yuzuru thanked God that the car just stopped in front of his house, so he could leave and not do anything that he would regret later.

* * *

Javi took him to a nice cafe close to the rink that Yuzuru had obviously never been in before. They placed their orders and a few moments later they were sitting with big mugs in their hands, Javi initiating an innocent chit chat that Yuzuru was trying to engage in, but his tongue and brain didn’t seem to be cooperating, and he was mostly only nodding dumbly, eyes fixed on the cup in his hands.

After some time Javi noticed Yuzuru’s weird behaviour and stopped talking mid sentence, smile slowly disappearing from his face.

“Is everything okay?” he asked and honest concern in his voice made Yuzuru’s heart clench.

“I’m fine.” he said, his voice reminding more of a screech, and Javi shook his head slowly, his frown deepening.

“Yuzu, I wanted to apologize.” he said and Yuzuru gulped, eyes widening, because that wasn’t making any sense.

“Wh-”

“For how I acted, before. In Madrid.” Javi said quickly, his face scrunching, and Yuzuru felt a sharp string of pain shooting from his chest to every cell of his body.

“What-”

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you. It was… wrong, and I-”

“It’s okay.” Yuzuru said quickly, his throat feeling raw “It’s okay. I was… not wise. I was stupid, please let’s not talk about it.”

“It’s not stupid.” Javi said, his expression pained “Feelings are important, even when it’s… complicated, and you just seem off lately and I wanted to make sure-”

And suddenly, Yuzuru couldn’t take it anymore.

“Stop.” he pleaded, his eyes burning “Please, stop.”

Javi blinked quickly, surprised, mouth hanging open but clearly lost for words, and Yuzuru knew that he had to explain himself, even though he felt like he couldn't breathe and everything would end up terribly.

"I'm sorry." he said "But I think I can't do this."

"What?" it was Javi's turn to ask, and he sounded helpless and confused, and Yuzuru hated himself for making him feel bad over and over again.

And he hated himself for not being stronger, but he had promised himself that he would be honest with Javi, no matter how much it hurt.

"I want to be your friend, really, I do." he said slowly "But I still... you know." he ended pathetically, and Javi's expression turned into a picture of pure sadness.

"What do you need?" he asked quietly and Yuzuru's heart started to break all over again.

It felt wrong, what he was about to say. But at the same time, it felt like the only thing he could save them both from hurting even more.

"I want us to be okay." Yuzuru said slowly, wincing "And I think for that... I think I need a bit of time."

It felt so incredibly wrong, to be the one suggesting that after all what had happened, but Javi only smiled, small and a bit resigned.

“Okay.” he said quietly, and his eyes were telling Yuzuru that he would also give everything to turn back time. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is living its own life, let's see where it takes us.

It was painful.

It was so awfully awkward, how thing were after that talk in a coffee shop a few days earlier. Yuzuru liked to tell himself that it was just like after Javi's coming back to Toronto, but in fact it was so much worse. It was painful, because after their talks and attempting to grow closer again, things went awry again.

Yuzuru wasn't sure if it was a right choice, to ask Javi for a little bit of distance, and he felt bad for being the one suggesting it since he had created that strain in their friendship himself. He was struggling, still, torn between his heartache, longing, love and desperate hope for things to get better. And the worst part was that Yuzuru could clearly see how upsetting it was for Javi too, and it was something he could barely stand.

Still, they were trying.

They still were able to talk somewhat easily, when the topic was skating or some safe things around, but Javi was trying his best to keep the physical distance between them, respecting Yuzuru's wish, even though it was visible that sometimes h had to refrain himself from patting Yuzuru's shoulder or hugging him, or grab his elbow to steady him when he was taking his skates off.

And it wasn't getting easier even a bit, and everyday was a struggle, walking into the club with his heart beating wild, not being able to focus, his skin crawling every time he heard Javi's voice close. Yuzuru was trying his best to cover his feelings up and his team and training mates seemed to be buying it, blaming everything on the nerves before two last competitions of the season. He wondered how long he would be able to fool his mom, though, because he knew he wouldn't be able to dodge her concerned glances and questions for much longer. Sometimes he thought that it would maybe be good, to confess everything, but he never did so. Because what would she say? And was there any advice that could truly help him, that would stop his heart from shattering again and again?

* * *

"Yuzu? Hey, you're awake sweetie?"

Yuzuru blinked rapidly and looked up, meeting Tracy's warm, slightly concerned smile.

"Yes, I'm good, sorry." he said, standing up and curling his lips in a smile "So, now, where is Brian-?" he asked, looking over Tracy's shoulders and wondering why the heck his coach was late, that wasn't usually happening.

"Umm, Yuzu, don't you remember?" Tracy asked, tilting her head a little, smile remaining the same as before "He left for Europeans yesterday, with Katia and Javi, we talked about it last Monday-"

Her lips were still moving but Yuzuru couldn't hear anything, too caught up in the sudden weakness of his legs, and how his mind went blank just before exploding with a million of thoughts. 

Of course he remembered Brian talking about Europeans, but Yuzuru hadn’t even thought about it yet, because it felt so far in the future. But apparently it was now, and Brian was away, and so was Javi, separated by an ocean yet again, and Yuzuru felt as if someone punched him in the stomach, knocking the air out of him and making his insides hurt. 

“Yuzu?”

“I’m...okay. Just forgot.” Yuzuru said with difficulty “Do you, um, know when they will be back?”

“Well, Brian and Katia will be here right after the competition I think, Javi mentioned going to Spain for a bit-”

Yuzuru’s throat was so clenched he couldn’t speak, and he inhaled deeply, the sound strained and ugly, and Tracy gasped, reaching to touch his shoulder.

“Sweetie, are you okay? Do you need your inhaler?”

“No, no.” Yuzuru croaked, trying to catch more air “I’m, I just-”

“Yuzu-”

Maybe it was because of Tracy’s caring presence, or because he was exhausted, or terrified- but suddenly there were tears streaming down his face, and he was vaguely aware that he was making a scene. Tracy’s hold on his shoulder tightened and she dragged him to Brian’s office, asking Joey to look after everyone for a moment.

“Here, here.” she said soothingly, sitting Yuzuru down on the chair and then handing him a glass of water “Try to calm down, and then we can talk, if you want.” 

Yuzuru nodded and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down as quick as possible, taking small sips of water every few moments. He was too tired to feel embarrassed about it- and in the end, his coaches and teammates had witnessed the whole variety of his moods. 

Javi was gone, again, and Yuzuru couldn’t stop but fear he was gone for good. 

What if Javi decided that he was done with that, with working in Toronto, with Yuzuru’s behaviour? What if he just missed his family too much and regretted leaving them once again?

What if Yuzuru wouldn’t see him for long months, now?

What if everything was ruined?

“Are you feeling better?”

Yuzuru opened his eyes and gave Tracy a weak, pale smile.

“I’m okay. I’m sorry for that.”

“Don’t apologize, please.” Tracy smiled, moving her chair a little bit closer “Do you want to talk about it?”

Yuzuru opened his mouth to decline politely, but then, he thought that maybe saying that out loud would do some good. He didn’t expect any advice, but maybe the sole fact of just letting it all out would make everything a little more bearable. And, it was Tracy, who knew him, and who knew Javi so well. 

“I-” Yuzuru swallowed hard, looking down at the glass in his hands “I- it’s a secret.” he said lamely, wincing that his grasp on English was slipping away still, especially when he was distressed. 

“Whatever you decide to tell me, it will stay between us. But you don’t have to say anything, if you don’t want to.” Tracy said kindly and Yuzuru attempted a smile again.

“I- It’s about Javi.” he glanced at Tracy, whose expression remained unchanged, and that gave Yuzuru a bit more courage “I did something, and it was… wrong. I think I destroyed our- our friendship.”

The words were bitter, burning the tip of his tongue, but also, it felt kind of freeing. 

“I’m in love, with him. And I told him that.”

“Oh Yuzu.” Tracy sighed, her face twisting with sympathy “You poor boys.”

“Huh?” Yuzuru blinked quickly, surprised, and Tracy sighed again.

“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I know how much pain it brings, a heartbreak like that.” 

She was still smiling, but her gaze was a bit distracted, and Yuzuru couldn’t help but think that there was something she didn’t want to tell him, for some reason.

“Tracy?” he asked carefully and she blinked, focusing on him again.

“Just- sometimes life isn’t what we want it to be, but we still need to try to work it out. And- did Javi tell you how he feels about it?”

“At first, he got angry.” Yuzuru whispered, memories flashing in his head “But I think, he was mostly sad. And now, he’s here and says it’s okay, that we can be friends, but I don’t think I can. I want to, but it’s so hard…” 

The words were flowing, leaving his mouth without much control, each one of them heavy and honest. It was both good and painful, just putting it all out there, and the fact of someone knowing everything was making Yuzuru feel a little bit lighter. 

“I wish I could help you.” Tracy said, taking Yuzuru’s hand and squeezing it encouragingly “But in cases like that, it’s between you and your heart, and Javi.”

“I know.” Yuzuru said quietly “I just wish-”

He hesitated for a moment, because what he wished for? For someone to take his feelings away? To turn back time?

“I wish he loved me back.”

Tracy didn’t say anything, just squeezed his hand a little bit tighter.

* * *

Brian and Katia came back a week later, smiling and in good spirits, and with no Javi in sight. 

“He had some things to take care of.” Brian answered Jun’s loud question, and Zhenya was quick to react too.

“But he will be back, right?”

Yuzuru didn’t even try to pretend he wasn’t listening, and he moved even closer to the small group, waiting for the answer with his heart beating wildly in his chest.

“Well, yes, as far as I know.” Brian smiled mysteriously “And he might not come alone.” 

Zhenya let out a quiet squeal, Jason gasped, and Yuzuru felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Who, who, who?” Zhenya asked, her eyes shining “Who is that, Brian? Someone we know?”

Brian only laughed and made a pantomime of zipping his lips, and then telling everyone to focus on training again and not gossip, words stern but expression soft. 

Yuzuru got back to his exercises, skating slowly as his brain tried to process new information.

Javi was brining someone. Who? Maybe Raya, or Sonia, to join the crew too? Or some member of his family, Laura or his mom, to spend some more time with them in Canada? 

Or maybe, he would bring someone else?

Yuzuru almost tripped on the ice as the suspicion creeped into his mind with cold waves, and he opened his mouth, trying to take a deep breath. 

What if they had got together again?

What if there was someone new, because Javi needed someone to talk to and someone to hug, and Yuzuru couldn’t be that person, so what if-

“Woah!”

Yuzuru gasped, and stopped in the last moment possible, almost crashing into Conrad who stumbled out of his spin, almost falling down.

“Sorry, I’m sorry!” Yuzuru gasped, realizing with horror that he was so absent minded he almost got them both into a collision. 

“It’s okay, we’re both alive.” Conrad panted, a little out of breath.

“You’re okay?” Yuzuru asked and his colleague nodded, giving him thumbs up, but before Yuzuru could ask once more, just to be sure, he heard Brian calling his name, and he knew what it was all about.

“Here.” Brian sighed, sitting on one of the benches close to the ice, with no one close enough to eavesdrop “What’s going on, Yuzu? And please, don’t try telling me that all is fine, because it clearly isn’t. That?” he gestured at Conrad, who was practicing his spins again “I know that stuff like this happens, but you’ve been absent-minded for the past few weeks, and I worry about you, Yuzu.”

“I’m sorry.” Yuzuru muttered, because what else could he say? It was frustrating to him too, that he wasn’t able to focus on his training as much as he wanted to, as much as he needed to, but that was something he couldn’t fight with, not yet.

“I’m just… I’m a bit tired, lately. I don’t sleep too well.”

“Oh Yuzu.” Brian sighed “Do you need some help? Talk with someone-”

“No, no.” Yuzuru shook his head rapidly “It’s just- it’s-” he stumbled over the words and Brian narrowed his eyes.

“Yuzu, is this about Javi, still?”

“No!” Yuzuru squealed, but Brian clicked his tongue, his expression morphing into understanding.

“I see that things are better between you two than in the beginning, but I see that maybe now better it would be to separate you as much as possible so-”

“It won’t change anything, Brian.” Yuzuru said tiredly “It doesn’t matter if we’re in the same room or not. Look, now he’s on the other side of the world, and I’m still a mess.”

He hadn’t been really planning to tell Brian all of that, to basically confess his feelings for Javi, and it was kind of funny, how now both his coaches knew.

“Oh.” Brian gasped softly, and it was clear that he wanted to say something, but he had no idea what, and Yuzuru smiled at him, trying to seem brave. 

“I will get back to training. I will be more careful, Brian, I swear.”

“Good.” Brian nodded, smiling gently “We have a competition in a few days.” he reminded softly and Yuzuru nodded. 

It wasn’t like his miserable situation was the only thing on his mind these days. He tried, as hard as he could, and despite his mind wandering around and mental exhaustion, physically he was feeling pretty stable. Some of the elements still weren’t as good as he wanted, but he trusted that he would be able to get himself into full concentration for the competition days. 

* * *

The next few days were calming. It wasn’t perfect, but Yuzuru felt like slowly, he was getting better and better, the lump in his throat not suffocating him anymore. It was a little bit easier to focus, to smile back, and to think about Javi without feeling like his heart was going to break. 

There was still that dull ache, rooted deep in his bones, but it was a part of Yuzuru now, something he was getting used to, and he dared to believe that someday it would disappear. 

He tried to prepare himself for that, for Javi coming back with that mysterious person, but his heart still skipped a beat when he walked into the club one day and heard that familiar laughter carrying in the arena. There was a small group standing near the entrance, and Yuzuru wondered if he should maybe walk away and prolong seeing Javi and maybe his companion, but then Zhenya noticed him, and waved over Javi’s shoulder. 

“Yuzu, hey! Look who’s here!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun???


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, this fic is alive! I promise I will try not to make you wait another 2 months for the next one!

Yuzuru kept on looking down at his boots, telling himself that he should finally lace them, get up and get to the ice, but he couldn't force himself to do so. Instead, he was still sitting on the bench, shoulders hunched and ears filled with familiar sound of blades carving the smooth surface, from time to time interrupted by Brian or Joey's instructions, or by loud voices of his teammates.

Javi wasn't there, and maybe that was for the better.

Or maybe not.

Yuzuru couldn't decide.

Five days passed since Javi had come back from Spain, looking more relaxed than before, his smile easy and a bit jet lagged, and Yuzuru never missed him more than in that moment.

"Good, keep going!"

Yuzuru flinched, hearing Brian's voice unexpectedly close, and a moment later his coach sat down next to him, letting out a quiet groan.

"My old bones." he said jokingly before turning to look at Yuzuru properly "Don't want to join yet?" he asked, and he wasn't even scolding him. At that point of their cooperation, Brian wasn't really telling Yuzuru what to do, being more like a guide than a teacher.

"Just, catching breath." Yuzuru said, raising his head but instead of looking at Brian, he chose to follow a lanky silhouette he still wasn't used to.

"He's pretty nice, huh?" Brian asked, catching his gaze "A lot to work with, but he's a good kid."

Yuzuru nodded absently before dropping his gaze down again, untied laces mocking him, challenging him to get up and get to work. Maybe be a nice person and go and talk to Pablo, who still seemed a bit overwhelmed with everything around him, the rink and skating alongside so many top skaters. He was a good kid for sure, if a bit shy, and he was looking at Javi with eyes full of awe and respect. And Javi seemed thrilled about it, helping someone from his country to have a chance he had been given all the years back.

But it wasn't like they were talking about it, Yuzuru and Javi. It wasn't like they were talking at all.

"Yuzu?"

"Yeah, I'm getting up." Yuzuru muttered, finally looking at Brian, who was looking at him with slight concern.

"We have Four Continents soon, Yuzu." he reminded him gently "I know there's a lot going on, but I need you to focus."

"I know." Yuzuru nodded, a ghost of smile forming on his lips "Need to get used to the new- old program again."

"Yeah, that's the spirit." Brian smiled, patting him on the back before standing up "Let's get to work."

* * *

Somehow, he managed not to bump into Javi for the next few days, only seeing him in the distance a few times, hearing his voice and then trying his best not to get in his way. That seemed like the best options, for both of them. Javi was working, and he was clearly determined to learn and help as much as he could, and Yuzuru had to focus on the upcoming competition. Going back to his previous programs was a conscious choice, maybe a bit safe but needed if he wanted to achieve his goal.

And since he had messed up with Javi, skating was yet again the only thing in his life.

"You will be okay, sweetie?" Tracy asked, her jacket and hat already on, and Yuzuru smiled, giving her a little wave.

"Will be fine! See you tomorrow!"

Tracy smiled back and nodded before walking away and a few seconds later Yuzuru was finally, blissfully alone. It was late in the evening and everyone else had left home already, and Yuzuru was looking forward to have some time alone on the ice, only to himself.

He made his way to prepare the music, and he took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment.

And then, he moved.

It was like floating, like moving on a wave of a familiar sea. It was warm, and Yuzuru felt almost tempted to close his eyes in the middle of the skate, just to focus more, to feel it better, get lost in the feeling of everything being right, even if just for a moment.

He did close his eyes when he stopped, though, breathing hard, his lips parted, chilly air filling his warm body, cooling him off. For a moment he was able to think only about that, about that feeling of satisfaction after a good skate, when it seemed like the world and time belonged only to him.

Yuzuru opened his eyes, and there it was, right in front of him, happy red and golden lines, and suddenly all he could feel was exhaustion.

"I didn't know you were here."

It was almost like a deja vu, and a part of Yuzuru was convinced that his mind was playing tricks on him. But when he turned around, there he was, looking at Yuzuru with a small smile.

"Wanted to skate a bit more." Yuzuru said, wondering if he should move closer or stay at his spot "Uhh-" he mumbled, and Javi nodded, as if he could read a question Yuzuru didn't voice.

"Was about to leave, but heard the music, and got curious. I didn't want to spy on you." he added with a chuckle, a little awkward, as if still not sure how they were supposed to act in each other's presence "So, change of plans? With programs?"

"Yeah." Yuzuru nodded simply, his throat itching, and he couldn't help it, he moved closer, his legs moving on their own. 

For a second, Javi’s smile grew wider, softer, almost expecting, but it all went away in a blink of an eye and he cleared his throat, taking a small step back. 

“Well, I didn’t want to bother you. Just curious.” he chuckled, looking ready to walk away, and Yuzuru wanted to yell, to ask him to stay, because he could see that Javi had so many questions. But Yuzuru had asked for distance himself, and it wouldn’t be fair, to confuse him like that, to engage in talks, to grow so close that Yuzuru would feel that traitorous spark of hope again. 

But Yuzuru couldn’t let him go like that, without a word. 

“It’s cool that you took Pablo. He’s really nice.” Yuzuru tried desperately, just to say something safe, and stopped backing away, brightening up with a smile. 

“Right? I’m so happy, and it’s so great Brian agreed! Maybe in the future there could be more-” 

He was so happy and calm, beaming with hope and pride, and Yuzuru’s heart stuttered, because Javi looked so beautiful like that, with that inner light shining through his eyes, as if everything was right in the world, right and easy. 

But then Javi looked at him, and his smile turned dim and tired. 

“I’ll see you around, Yuzu.” he said softly before walking away, leaving Yuzuru in the empty rink, alone with his choices and tears he didn’t shed. 

* * *

The last person Yuzuru was expecting to meet before boarding his plane to Korea, was freaking Patrick Chan. 

"Well hey there." the Canadian said, smiling slightly "It crossed my mind that we might meet."

Yuzuru nodded, and smiled back, even managing to throw a small joke that had Patrick laughing shortly, with much more ease than ever. 

"I'm only stopping by for a moment there and then going for an adventure. Good luck, in case I don't see you!" 

"Thanks." Yuzuru said absently, thinking that well, he might need it. 

He won, and for a few blissful hours, nothing else mattered. Yuzuru was riding the high of excitement and adrenaline, happiness and relief filling him with some buzzing, sparkling warmth. 

And then he got back to his hotel room, sat down on the bed and felt all the joy slowly fading away, silence around him only reminding him of his utter loneliness. He couldn't stand it, his skin crawling, so he did something he had been rarely doing- he went to a hotel bar. 

There was one downstairs, always crowded and noisy, so Yuzuru decided on the one located on the top floor, where only hotel guests had access. It was a nice place, with big windows and soft music playing in the background, and Yuzuru felt that he didn't belong there at all. He turned around, ready to go back to his room and maybe open a mini fridge, when he heard someone calling his name quietly. 

"I saw you were about to run away." Patrick grinned when Yuzuru walked over to his table "Want to join?" 

Yuzuru had never imagined that he would be having drinks with Patrick Chan, but there he was, with some colorful cocktail, having a perfectly nice conversation about weather. 

"By the way, how's Javi? I know he's back but he's so hard to catch these days." Patrick said lightly and Yuzuru remembered how close Javi and Patrick always were, hanging out often, visiting each other on the weekends, constantly talking and laughing during competitions.

Yuzuru was always a bit jealous of that, about that easy closeness Javi was able to build with people, but at the same time he knew that the only reason they didn't have the same relationship was Yuzuru himself. 

"He-" Yuzuru muttered, Patrick clearly waiting for an answer "It's-" he stuttered and Patrick narrowed his eyes suspiciously, but then he gasped, putting his glass down. 

“What have you done?!”

“What?” Yuzuru asked, confused, while Patrick looked like he was about to… well, Yuzuru couldn’t identify that expression, he just knew that he looked kinda scary. 

“Oh, that would explain so much, why he is playing all silent.” Patrick fumed, staring at Yuzuru judgmentally “If you broke his heart I swear, I will-”

“What?!” Yuzuru cried out, voice high and breathless as Patrick words punched him in the guts “What, what are you talking about?”

Patrick blinked quickly, collecting himself, and his expression morphed into slight embarrassment.

“Sorry, uh, I just assumed.” he said, sending Yuzuru an apologetic smile “I might go a little overprotective about him sometimes.”

“I get it.” Yuzuru whispered, taking a sip of his drink to get rid of that bitterness collecting in his throat “But things are… complicated and I’m… can you tell me, what you meant before?”

It was kinda pathetic, to be that pleading after barely talking with Patrick for years, but the older man didn’t seem angry or anything, just looking at Yuzuru with some new kind of compassion. 

“Oh man. Javi would kill me.”

“Javi hates me.” Yuzuru blurted out and Patrick almost choked on his beer.

“That, I won’t believe in.” he said, shaking his head “He’s been smitten with you for ages.”

Yuzuru made some weird, wounded sound that seemed terrible even to him, and Patrick looked at him with worry.

“You okay?”

“Yes. Yes.” Yuzuru mumbled frantically, trying to collect himself. He was suspecting that Javi had had some feelings for him in the past, but hearing that from someone else, from Patrick- it made it all terribly real, and all missed chances and opportunities so clear and vivid. 

“Okay.” Patrick sighed “Normally, I wouldn’t be saying anything, but I feel like there is something going on and maybe I should- do you want me to tell you?”

For a second, Yuzuru wanted to tell him not to continue. To try and leave things in the past, because nothing Patrick would say was able to change the future. 

But Yuzuru wanted to know. He needed to know, because maybe then he would be able to start letting go. 

“There were moments I wanted to strangle him, he just couldn’t shut up about you. Yuzu this, that, what if. I seriously wanted him to ask you out so he would stop with that daydreaming.” Patrick chuckled, a shadow of nostalgia in his voice.

“Then why didn’t he?” Yuzuru blurted out and Patrick scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“Like you would agree.” he said, and then his expression softened “And he was… he was really scared of messing things up at the club. After dealing with Morozov, he was terrified that something would go wrong in Toronto too, he was really anxious about messing up. So it just went on, and on-”

For a moment everything went blurry, and Yuzuru wasn’t able to hear what Patrick was saying, blood pounding in his ears, his chest burning, and it hurt, to force his tongue to form words, to get them out.

“How… do you know how long-”

“Damn it, I feel like things are messed up for real, huh?” Patrick said, his eyes full of sympathy “I can tell… look, Yuzu, I don’t think I can tell you much more, I just… I can’t speak for him, but I can tell that he cares about you a lot. And there is no chance in hell he could hate you. He might be mad at you, or disappointed, or sad. But no hate.”

Yuzuru’s head was spinning, and he closed his eyes, trying to breathe slowly through his nose, his lungs burning, skin itching and a scream forming in his throat. He wasn’t aware of what was going on until some time later he opened his eyes and saw a glass of water standing in front of him, and Patrick’s crooked half smile before he turned to look through the window, as if giving Yuzuru time to collect himself properly. 

“Thank you.” Yuzuru muttered and Patrick shrugged a little, smiling again.

“Sure.” he said before sighing quietly “And I hope you work everything out. But for real, if you do something to him, I will kick your ass.”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru chuckled tiredly “I will remember that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had Patrick feels lately so he wildly appeared in here! Next up: TENSION :p


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brought to you by my lack of ability to fall asleep last night, here's the update after 78999 years 🙈

Yuzuru came back to Toronto with a gold medal in his pocket and every bone and every muscle of his body aching. But also, he was coming with new decisions, and that was making him feel better, somehow, even though his blurry plans could turn awry and leave him regretting everything.

But for now, it felt like the best option, maybe the best option. Yuzuru had made everything complicated with his stupid confession and then asking for distance and at least he could try to make things right.

He had to be fair, not only for his sake, but also for Javi's.

Yuzuru's heart skipped a beat when he recalled Patrick's words, when he thought about every moment and conversations him and Javi had had during the past few weeks. Those awkward, tension filled minutes, painful reminders of what they had used to have and what would never be. And Yuzuru knew that they needed something more, that one more talk when he could try and maybe set them both free.

But to do so he would have to actually get up, get dressed, get to the rink, and all of those felt now like an impossible task. He knew he had about five minutes before he really would have to move, but instead of that he kept lying on his side, looking at the bright world behind the window. It was really bright, the sky in a pale shade of morning blue, sun dancing with golden sparks on the fresh snow. It was going to be a beautiful day, and Yuzuru was supposed to feel more excited about that, but instead he couldn't even find enough strength to move. His body was heavy, made from lead and deep ache pulsing rhythmically inside of him, resonating in his bones, in his throbbing ankle.

It would be so easy, to just tell his mom that he would want to take day off. His mom would probably approve him taking things easy, and maybe it would be nice, to wipe that worried frown off of her face. Yuzuru didn't feel great with the way he was acting lately, brushing all her questions away; she deserved better than that, but Yuzuru just couldn't bring himself to tell her everything. Maybe one day, when it all would be over, he could tell her everything. But not now. 

So he got up, got dressed, and left for the rink. 

* * *

He was a bit worried that Javi wouldn't be there, and he felt a bit of relief and nervousness at the same time when he saw him there, already standing close to the ice and watching Joseph and Conrad practicing. 

Yuzuru stopped a few metres away, unseen, just watching Javi silently, his heart squeezing with both love and regret. Javi looked better than during the past weeks. He didn't seem as pale and tired, and his hair was a bit longer now, curling a little over his forehead and next to his ears, making him feel softer. 

Was it even possible, not to love him? And what if Yuzuru was going to damage everything even further with what he was going to do? 

Javi flinched a little, as if sensing Yuzuru's gaze, and he turned to look at him, a small smile blossoming on his lips. 

"Congrats on your win, Yuzu." he said softly "You were great."

"Thank you." Yuzuru nodded, taking a few steps closer and swallowing hard before gathering all the courage he had "Javi, I want to talk with you. Later, if you have time."

Javi blinked slowly, his smile dimming a little, and it was clear that he suspected what the talk would be about, and for a moment Yuzuru was afraid that he would refuse. 

But then Javi nodded slowly, letting out a quiet, soft sigh. 

"I end at four today. Can you wait for me and we will go for a walk?" 

"Okay. Thank you." Yuzuru said, thinking that going to a park was probably better option than some closed space that would make them both feel awkward and uncomfortable. 

Javi smiled again, and looked as if he wanted to say something, but then Zhenya's high squeal made them both look at the ice where she was sitting, laughing at herself with embarrassment. 

"You okay in there?" Javi asked, looking at her again, and Yuzuru took that opportunity to back away and step on the ice, his heart still beating a little erratically. 

It was terrifying, but he also believed that it was right. 

* * *

Ten minutes after four they walked out of the club. They sky was clear and turning darker with every moment, but at least it wasn't too cold, even though the ground was covered with a thin layer of snow. 

They didn't talk until the reach the near park, the sound of street fading away a little so they wouldn't have to scream to hear each other. Yuzuru knew that he was the one who should speak first, but it was Javi who initiated the talk. 

"You had fun in Korea?" he asked and Yuzuru immediately thought about his conversation with Patrick and his insides twisted, and he wondered how the hell it was still possible, for feelings to cause so much physical pain. 

"I had time to think." he answered quietly and Javi nodded, clearly seeing the connection to that conversation in a coffee shop. 

"And?" 

"Did you ever love me?" Yuzuru blurted out, and Javi stopped abruptly, looking at Yuzuru with wide eyes, clearly not expecting that question. 

"I'm sorry, for bringing it all up again. And I understand if you'll hate me, but it's… I need to know. Because I don't know if I can ever move on without knowing-" 

Javi didn't even listen to him, he turned away and took a few steps, and Yuzuru only saw his back, shoulders trembling a little as if Javi was trying to catch a breath. 

"Javi, I'm sorry, but-" Yuzuru tried, close to tears, helpless and determined "I-" 

"Of course I loved you." Javi said, not making a move, not looking at him "Of course I did."

"You never told me." 

Yuzuru's throat was burning, his lips so dry it was painful to speak. 

Javi laughed at that, short, ugly sound that carried everything but happiness. 

"How was I supposed to do it? You didn't even want to go out for dinner with me, not even once, and after Boston you didn't want to even look me in the eyes. I could take a broken heart, but I didn't need humiliation."

Yuzuru's eyes filled with tears, and he couldn't speak, so he just listened to his aching heart and walked to Javi, hugging him tightly, hiding his face in Javi's jacket. 

Javi sniffled quietly, but didn't try to push him away, and that somehow helped Yuzuru to swallow the lump in his throat and speak again. 

"If I could turn back time, I would. And I know that there is no chance for me, but… I promise to be a better friend, if you still want me to be one? And I lo-" 

Javi freed himself from Yuzuru's embrace rapidly, turning around and pressing his palm against Yuzuru's mouth, silencing him. 

"Why do you keep on torturing me?" Javi asked, his voice and expression pained "Why are you doing this?" he murmured, moving his palm to cup Yuzuru's cheek. 

His face was so close, eyes shining, and Yuzuru hated himself for making Javi cry, for making him suffer, but they both needed complete honesty, just that one time. 

"I love you, Javi." he said quietly "And I can't stop, I don't know if I will ever be able to stop. And I just wanted, needed to ask, if maybe, there is a chance, for you and me. For anything."

Javi gasped, and Yuzuru was ready for him to back away, to get angry, to end whatever that was, between them. But Javi only closed his eyes, his hand moving to rest on Yuzuru's nape as he took a deep breath. 

"I don't know, Yuzu." he whispered brokenly "I know that I want to kiss you right now, but I'm terrified. Because I can't do it again. I won't, I-" his voice cracked, and he opened his eyes for a moment, two tears running down his face before closing them again. 

Everything in Yuzuru was urging him to kiss Javi, but he knew it wouldn't be welcomed, not now, maybe never. So he carefully wrapped his arms around Javi, hugging him close, and he was flooded with relief when he felt Javi hugging him back. 

They stayed like that for long minutes, and Yuzuru wouldn't mind to spend the whole eternity in Javi's arms, listening to his heartbeat and pretending that everything was fine, that everything was easy. But then Javi sighed tiredly and pulled back, taking his warmth away and Yuzuru immediately felt like he was going to freeze. 

The silence between them was heavy and as they walked to the bus stop, and Yuzuru wasn't even sure how he was going to get back home. There was a dull ache pulsing inside his chest, spreading to his entire body. 

It was done. Over without even starting. 

"You will get home okay?" Javi muttered when they reached the stop, and Yuzuru nodded numbly, watching a bus coming closer and hearing Javi exhale quietly, as if with relief.

"I will ask Brian to fix the schedule tomorrow." Yuzuru said with difficulty "It will be best for both."

Javi's gaze was puzzled u, and he only nodded stiffly before slowly making his way to the bus that just pulled over. He stepped inside, turning around at the door and looking at Yuzuru, a flash of pain turning his expression, and then he moved, stepping out of the bus and making his way back to Yuzuru, standing so close their breaths mingled in cold air. 

"Will you go with me?" 

It wasn't really a question, not with they way Javi said it out out loud, and Yuzuru gasped quietly, heart almost jumping out of his chest. 

"Why?" he asked, his lips cold and dry. 

Javi opened his mouth, but didn't say anything, and in a yellow light of a street lamp Yuzuru could see his face, tired and vulnerable, with gentle eyes and a little sad smile curling on his lips. 

Still silent, Javi slowly reached out and caressed Yuzuru's brow before letting his fingers wander down his cheek, warm fingers almost burning on Yuzuru's skin, before Javi let his hand drop. 

"Okay." Yuzuru whispered "Okay."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost at the eeeeend! Had a little struggle because the story didn't turn out exactly how I want it now, but fought to get this chapter out, and I hope you'll enjoy!

They walked in silence for about ten minutes, and when they stopped in front of Javi's building, Yuzuru couldn't recall anything he had been thinking about during that time. His blood was pulsing in his temples so loudly he could feel a headache incoming, and if he could, he would just crawl into bed and sleep. There was a deep ache inside his chest, where his heart had broken into a million pieces, its sharp edges digging into his ribs and lungs and making it so painful to breathe, and through the tired fog in his eyes he could see Javi's expression, thoughtful and twisted, and Yuzuru wondered why they were doing it, and what Javi was going to tell him.

"Careful on the threshold, it's stupid high." Javi muttered, unlocking the door and leading them both inside.

The apartment seemed small and a bit non-personal, and once more Yuzuru wondered how much of a temporary thing it was, Javi in Toronto.

"Do you want something to drink?" Javi asked after showing Yuzuru to sit down on the sofa in a tiny living room with a big window, night city spreading in front of them.

"It's okay." Yuzuru said quickly, even though his lips and throat were painfully dry.

"I will make you tea. To warm you up."

Yuzuru closed his eyes, and listened to Javi cluttering in the kitchen, and tried to calm himself down. It was okay, everything was going to be fine. Javi probably wanted just to set some boundaries in a better place than a freezing bus stop. And that was fair, Yuzuru thought, clenching his fists. He had worlds to focus on, and maybe now they would be able to do so, after making things absolutely clear.

Javi came back a few minutes later carrying two mugs and silently handing Yuzuru one.

"Thank you." Yuzuru muttered, wrapping his fingers around white faience, grateful for the warmth seeping to his cold skin.

Javi smiled, maybe noticing the gesture, and then inhaled deeply, turning to look at Yuzuru properly.

"I will tell you something now." he said, his voice quiet and with a hint of determination "And then, I will ask you a question, and we... we'll see what happens, okay?"

"Okay." Yuzuru whispered, and he had to take a sip of his tea to soothe his hurting throat.

Javi looked at him for a moment, biting on his lower lips as if not knowing how to start. He swallowed hard and put his mug down on the table, and his eyes shone like two lonely stars in the dark night sky.

"You were still a kid, when I fell in love with you." he said and Yuzuru felt every nerve in his body screaming "It was beginning of the Sochi season, we came to Toronto in the summer, and I just... felt it, you know? I couldn't look away from you."

There was a small smile on his lips, warm and nostalgic, as if thinking about that time was the most pleasant thing, and it hurt so much Yuzuru grabbed the mug even tighter, his knuckles turning white.

"I thought I would have a shot, one day, maybe. I couldn't just tell you right away, not then, so I just tried to be close. Show you, since I couldn't tell you. And then, in a blink of an eye, you weren't a kid anymore. You were an adult, and a stranger, who couldn't even look at me sometimes. And I understand it, I really do. I always did." Javi said, and he wasn't smiling anymore "But I also understood that it was never going to happen. You and me… So I moved on, and you were never supposed to know. And-" he sighed, and wetted his lips quickly "I'm sorry I never told you. You deserved to know, despite everything."

"I-" Yuzuru stammered breathlessly "I would have said no, back then. I think."

It hurt to say, to acknowledge that, but judging by Javi's expression, he knew that too.

“I know.” Javi murmured, almost nostalgic, and Yuzuru had to take a deep breath before forcing himself to speak again. 

"So I guess we just had different timing." 

Javi blinked quickly, lips parting and a shadow of pain running through his face, and Yuzuru felt harsh, physical urge to kiss him, to wipe that expression off his face, tell him again that he loved him. But Javi's eyes were full of sadness and memories of a broken heart, and Yuzuru had no right, no right at all. 

"Damn it." Javi whispered, a little pained sound, and then he stood up abruptly, making Yuzuru flinch with surprise. 

Yuzuru opened his mouth to ask what he was doing, but he couldn't make a sound, and he just watched Javi making his way to the balcony door and then going outside, a stream of cold air making him shiver. 

He could only see the outline of Javi's silhouette, snowflakes dancing around him, and his body moved without his will, his legs carrying him out to the balcony and next to Javi. It was cold, snow leaving wet mark on his cheeks, and Yuzuru shuddered violently, a quiet gasp leaving his mouth. 

"You're going to catch a cold." Javi said, looking at him with so much softness and regret Yuzuru could barely speak, but he had to. 

"You said you would ask me a question." 

"I should." Javi muttered, and shook his head with a pained grimace "Let's go back inside."

"Please." Yuzuru whispered, shivering in freezing air but somehow it made him feel alive, almost soothing against his hot skin. 

Javi looked at him, lights of the city reflecting in his eyes, and suddenly he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Yuzuru and hugging him tight, almost desperate, his breath hot and quick on Yuzuru's temple. 

"Am I worth it?" 

"What?" Yuzuru asked, the question catching him off guard, and Javi used that moment to take his hand and drag him back inside. 

"Javi, what do you mean?" he asked again when the door was closed, realizing that Javi was still holding his hand, and that he seemed on the edge of tears. 

"I mean that I'm terrified." he said hoarsely "Because I gave up hope for anything between us so long ago I don't know how to do it anymore. But Yuzu, I-" he sighed brokenly "I want to kiss you, and I want to try. I want to feel it all again, but the question is, if you want it too."

"Yes." Yuzuru gasped, feeling dizzy as he understood what Javi was saying, what it meant "You know I want-" he whispered, taking a step closer, leaning in, but Javi stopped him, putting a hand on Yuzuru's shoulder and looking as if he was in the verge of breaking down. 

"But you need to know, Yuzu." he said with difficulty "I'm not going to hide. I'm not going to lie or pretend, or-" he stopped to take a deep breath, and moved his hand to rest on Yuzuru's neck "I will try, but only if we're both in, no matter what. So please, just, just think what-”

“I don’t need to think it through, Javi.” Yuzuru said, feeling frantic and desperate “I-”

“I know.” Javi smiled tiredly, his thumb brushing along Yuzuru’s jaw “I know that in that moment you would... agree on anything, but Yuzu, I need you to really, think about it. Because maybe I’m a coward, but I can't just…"

Yuzuru knew that he shouldn't press. That he should give Javi time and space. But Yuzuru was sick of that, of waiting, of stopping himself, of all the fucking misery that seemed to be guiding his life since that afternoon in Madrid. So he pressed his fingers against Javi's lips and inhaled shakily before speaking. 

"You're not a coward, Javi. And I'm not going to hurt you, I swear." 

Javi blinked slowly, and Yuzuru let his fingers travel down his neck to grasp the collar of Javi's shirt. 

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered, so quiet he thought Javi might not hear him, but he did, because he smiled, and tears shone in the corners of his eyes like two falling stars. 

And then, he leaned forward, slow but with no hesitation, and let their lips meet in the middle, careful and timid, as if they both didn’t want to ruing the fragile significance of the moment. 

It was soft and too short, and Yuzuru shuddered when Javi pulled away, not daring to push because he had no idea how Javi would react. But Javi breathed out slowly, bringing their foreheads together and holding Yuzuru’s face with gentle, trembling hands. 

“Can we just, go to sleep now?” he asked quietly “And we’ll talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru breathed out, covering Javi’s hands with his. 

There was so much they had to talk about, but they were both exhausted and shaken and needed to rest before slowly deciding how to figure everything out. But the most important thing was that Javi wanted this to happen. That he decided that they deserved a chance. 

So he took Javi’s hand and let him lead him to the bedroom, where the lie down in silence, holding hands and letting themselves fall asleep. 

* * *

When Yuzuru woke up, his mind cleared in a second. 

He was lying on his stomach, face pressed against the pillow and arm thrown over Javi’s chest. They were both fully clothed, just like they had gone to sleep, and Yuzuru remembered every detail. 

Javi’s face was turned to him, calm and smoothed by deep sleep, and Yuzuru blinked slowly before moving his hand to ghost over Javi’s cheek, not daring to touch, not wanting to risk waking him up. 

_ I want to try. I want to feel it all again, but the question is, if you want it too. _

It was almost unbelievable, after all that time. It had hurt so much, but Yuzuru couldn’t blame Javi for taking time, for doubting. Yuzuru understood, he understood so very well, because there was nothing scarier that handing your heart to another person and saying _ I trust you not to break it, please don’t break it. _

Yuzuru knew, because he was doing the exact same. 

_ I'm not going to hide. I'm not going to lie or pretend.  _

Yuzuru would never ask him to do it. When he had been lying awake during countless nights before, when sometimes he would allow himself to dream about what he thought was impossible, he knew that getting Javi would require making decisions and statements and lead the long and probably difficult conversations. But Yuzuru knew Javi, who he was and what he needed and what he was willing to give, and Yuzuru would never make him give up his freedom or honesty. 

It was scary, what was waiting for them, but there was no way back now, and Yuzuru didn’t want to go back, not now, not when he could look at Javi’s face and feel the thrill running through his body, feeling warmth and fondness and excitement. If he could, he would stay there so much longer, but after few more minutes his throat and lips were so dry he really needed to drink something, so he carefully rolled off of the bed and paced to the kitchen, trying to be as quiet as possible. 

He first splashed his face with cold water before pouring some to a glass he found in a cupboard and drank slowly, looking around. There was no clock in sight, and Yuzuru guessed it was around 7am, and judging by the clouds outside, it seemed like it was going to snow again. Yuzuru sighed quietly and realized that he would have to send a few texts and reschedule his plans for the day, because there was no way he could leave now. He drank another glass of water and then filled it again, carrying it to the bedroom. 

He had been expecting Javi to be still asleep, so he was surprised when he saw him sitting up, face pale and hair disheveled, eyes wide and dark.

“Oh.” he breathed out when Yuzuru walked in, shoulders deflating “You’re here.”

Yuzuru couldn’t read his tone, and it made him feel a bit uneasy, but he still walked to the bed slowly, handing Javi the glass.

“Here.” he murmured, and Javi blinked slowly before taking it, a ghost of a smile dancing on his lips.

“Thank you.”

They sat in silence for a long moment, tense and awkward, and Yuzuru didn’t know what to do, his palms sweating a little like always when he was nervous. He had no idea where to say, how to start unpacking everything that was between them. 

“I thought you left, for a moment.” Javi said suddenly and Yuzuru gasped quietly, feeling a little tremor of pain running through his body. 

“Just went to the kitchen.” he muttered and Javi nodded, smiling tightly before putting the glass away and turning on the bed to face Yuzuru. 

“So.” Javi cleared his throat “Still in?” he asked, attempting a light, almost joking tone and kind of failing, and Yuzuru exhaled deeply, something like relief flowing in his veins, because now he knew what it was all about. 

“Javi, I told you.” he said quietly, carefully reaching to take Javi’s hands “Whatever you ask, I will do.”

Javi looked him in the eyes for a moment and then smiled, a little smile speaking of hope and beginning of happiness. 

“I won’t ask you for anything drastic, I think.” he chuckled shortly, lacing his fingers with Yuzuru’s “Just for… honesty.”

“I can do that.” Yuzuru muttered, feeling the familiar warmth settling inside his chest, and he leaned forward on an instinct, resting his forehead against Javi’s, feeling his breath fluttering against his cheek. 

“I guess I have to be honest now too.” Javi said, bringing one hand to Yuzuru’s nape and gently forcing him to pull back so they could see each other.

“Yes?”

“I never stopped loving you, no matter how much I tried. And I tried really hard.” Javi said, chuckling wetly, and Yuzuru felt on the edge of crying too, and he blinked rapidly, trying to keep himself together. 

“It’s okay.” he whispered, moving one hand to cup Javi’s cheek, feeling warm skin and short stubble “And it took a broken plane for me to understand myself.” 

“We’re kind of a disaster.” Javi murmured, his thumb brushing the hollow of Yuzuru’s neck before sliding to trace his collarbone, and Yuzuru caught his hand, sliding it down to press it against his chest.

“But after every disaster, the flowers bloom again.” 

It was a cheesy, simple line, but it was also true, and it seemed to resonate with Javi as much as with Yuzuru, because he took a deep breath, as if he was making a decision- and then he moved, closing the last remaining distance between them and kissing him, wet and a little desperate, and the whole world disappeared behind a feeling that everything was slowly shifting into the right place. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, kinda very dramatic, but I'm one very dramatic author :P


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Almost four months after ther last update, here it is, the epilogue. Can't stress enough how I struggle with this fic, went through a lot of phases of being unhappy with my choices, also my writing needs went through a whole drastic transformation in that odd time. Anyway, I'm really super happy and relieved to be able to deliver this chapter and close this story! Big, big thanks to all of you for being here guys, and sticking with this disaster of an author!

Yuzuru wasn’t sure what time it was, but since his alarm clock hadn’t rang yet he didn’t have any intention to move. Next to him Javi was breathing slowly, lying on his back with his limbs splayed in the position that was taking way more than half of the bed but also it was making him look vulnerable, trusting in the world that was so hectic and demanding lately. 

Yuzuru surpressed a sigh and readjusted his pillow a little, so he could keep on looking at Javi, sleeping peacefully in the grey light of that March morning, the day of free skate. Yuzuru was awake for some time now, and in the past he would have been up already, preparing for the final showdown, but right now, he didn’t even feel like he wanted to go out of the bed. 

What if he just stayed? That would be something, right?

Things were pretty wild since they had arrived in Montreal, everyone buzzing with excitement and having a million questions about Javi officialy being an addition to the coaching team. For now everyone was acting decently, but Yuzuru knew that aftre the free skate was done, the hell would break loose and he wasn’t really looking forward to that. And it wouldn’t be only the journalists and fans, but also his federation had said they would like to talk after the championhisp’s, and Yuzuru could guess the topic already from the tight grimace on Miss Yamamoto’s face.

Oh well. That had to come one day, and Yuzuru was perfectly awar of that since that night in Javi’s apartment, when they had promised each other honesty and no lies. And Yuzuru was ready for that, whatever was coming, he truly was. 

They hadn’t made an announcement, they hadn’t really said it straight to anyone. People at the rink had got to know when they walked into the club one morning hand in hand and Yuzuru kissed Javi’s cheek before they had to part ways. Beside them no one really knew yet, except of their families, digesting the change in their separate, different ways.

They would come around, Yuzuru knew. 

His alarm rang sharply, and Yuzuru turned it off so quickly it didn’t manage to startle Javi awake, he ony mumbled a little, head falling to the side and Yuzuru could see how his eyelashes fluttered, speaking of dreams that were slowly fading away. He looked calm but a little tired, and Yuzuru’s heart squeezed. It was intense for him too, and stressful, attending the world championships in that brand new role, being one of the coaches, so much attention on him it was putting dark shadows under his eyes, even though Yuzuru knew he loved his job, and he loved how things were going on between them. Because despite knowing what they felt for each other, they were taking it slow. Thye kissed on a sofa and in quiet safety of deserted bus stops, and fell asleep holding hands, careful, both still feeling how fragile all of that was. It didn’t disappear magically, all the sorrow and desperation that they had been going through before. It was still there, imprinted in their bones and crawling under they skin, but it kept on fading slowly with every gentle touch.

Yuzuru sighed again, moving forward and pressing his lips against Javi’s forehead, regretting that he had to wake him up, but they couldn’t be late. 

“Hey.” Yuzuru whispered, pulling back only so he could bruhs his nose against Javi’s “It’s time.”

Javi stirred and sighed deeply, eyelids opening for a moment and then falling down heavily.

“Okay.” he mubled, reaching out blindly to put his hand on Yuzuru’s nape, leaning to press their foreheads together for a few blissful seconds. And then he sighed again and pulled back, rolling out of the bed and rubbing his eyes before clumsily putting his clothes on, movements still heavy with sleep.But then he smiled, and Yuzuru’s heart fluttered as Javi put one knee on the bed, bending down to place a gentle kiss on Yuzuru’s lips.

“I’ll see you at breakfast.” he said before drawing back and walking to the door, sending Yuzuru one more smile before leaving quietly.

Yuzuru stayed in the bed for a few extra seconds longer and then got out of the bed as well, heading to the bathroom for a quick shower to wash the night away and get ready for the day. He winced a little when he stepped into the shower, his ankle throbbing unpleasantly. Not that he wasn’t used to that, but he always hated that moment of the day, a silent reminder of harsh reality. He didn’t complain, though, and he knew he wasn’t the only one, and that all his competitors were dealing with their own pains every day.

As the warm water washed over him, Yuzuru wondered what was going to happen that day.

He was less than one point behind the first place, but also with not even three points ahead of the third. And Yuzuru wanted to win, of course he did, but somehow, for the first time in long, long years, the possibility of losing didn’t feel like a tragedy. He knew very well how his training had been looking like for the past few months, in what condition his body was and how good his competitors were.

Winning would be great. And losing… losing would be bearable, because he knew that Javi would hold him later, and that he wouldn’t go away.

And well, if he had to trade medals for Javi- we would accept that deal gladly.

The restaurant was packed already when Yuzuru made his way there, buzzing with excitement and conversations. He smiled at some people passing him by, scanning the space before spotting Brian and Javi, both with their plates and cups already in front of them. He first walked over to the buffet to pick some food and a cup of green tea, and then joined his team, sitting next to Javi and smiling across the table to Brian.

“Good morning.” he said easily, hand darting to catch Javi’s underneath the table, and Brian smiled back, although Yuzuru could clearly see that he was still wrapping his head around that new situation, even though he knew about them for the past three weeks.

“Good morning, Yuzu. How are you feeling?” 

“Motivated.” Yuzuru said, squeezing Javi’s hand one more time before letting go to take hold of his fork and knife. They chatted for a while, talking through the plan and tactics, and then it was time to go, and Yuzuru felt a familiar stir of excitement and anticipation, like every time right before a competition. 

Now, it was the day of truths.

As he took the final bow, Yuzuru knew he wasn’t going to win. 

His skate had been solid, withot falls, but two popped quads were speaking for themselves. He was disappointed, sure, but also- relieved. It was done. There was nothing more he could do about it and he smiled as he skated back to the boards, falling into Brian’s familiar embrace.

“Good job.’ his coach said warmly, and Yuzuru nodded, turning to Javi who handed him a water bottle, expression soft with pride and love, and for a moment, Yuzuru forgot where he was. But then Brian ushered them both to the kiss and cry, and Yuzuru dropped on the bench, not even sparing a look at the cameras right at their faces, and it felt as if the time slowed down, as if he was somehere else. 

Javi was sitting on his left, their legs touching, and Yuzuru was painfully aware of that, and suddenly he was short of breath, fingers clutching the bottle in his hands with way too much force. 

“Chen and Aliev did really good, but I think you have a shot-” Brian said, adding something, but Yuzuru barely listened. Suddenly he was feeling real jittery, the noise bothering him a little, invasive, nagging. He closed his eyes, trying to block it all, and he felt a warm hand resting on his knee.

He opened his eyes.

“Are you okay?” 

Javi was smiling, warm and intimate, and Yuzuru’s heart pounded. 

“Javi?” he asked, the same moment the announcer started talking.

Javi tilted his head, a blink of confusion in his eyes, as if he could read Yuzuru’s thoughts- and then, his smile broadened in that way that never failed to brighten Yuzuru’s world.

He moved without thinking. 

Javi gasped softly against his lips, and all Yuzuru could hear was his own ragged heartbeat, not screams of the crowd, and not his own damn score. And he only realized what he had done when they pulled back and Yuzuru’s ears started registering that terrible noise around them. But it was okay, because Javi was smiling, even blushing a little, and if he was good, then Yuzuru was good too.

“Well.” Brian cleared his throat, and when Yuzuru looked at him, his coach was sporting a bit of an embarassed yet kind smile “We call it kiss and cry for a reason, yes?”

Yuzuru laughed breathlessly, only now realizing impprtance and consequences of what him and Javi had done, but he didn’t had much time to think it through because a young girl from staff appeared in front of them, clearly biting back a smile and telling Yuzuru that he should get ready for the medal ceremony in a few minutes.

“Oh, yes.” Yuzuru mumbled, glancing at one of the screens and seeing the results for the first time, and if he felt a sting of disappointment, it was so gentle it disappeared almost immedaitely. So instead of dwelling on that, he looked at Javi, clearly thinking that he was winning anyway.

“Go.” Javi said, squeezing his hand “I’ll go and mute all my social media. And rehearse my answers.” he chuckled, although Yuzuru could tell he was a little bit nervous. And Yuzuru was nervous too, but also excited. There was a storm ahead of them, but they were going to get through it together. Hand in hand, like people who loved each other did.

And minutes later, when he was standing on the podium, he looked down on his medal and he saw little golden reflexes on the brown surface- he thought that it was kind of perfect. When he had won his first medal at worlds, also a bronze, he already had his mind set on training alongside that smiling Spanish boy with a pretty salchow. And now, fingertips brushing over the cool surface, Yuzuru’s mind and heart were overwhelmed with plans and hopes for the future, with Javi by his side. 

So he smiled, and looked at the two guys standing a little above him, and he felt happy. For them, and for himself, and about life he was just about to start living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much <333

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, hope you enjoyed!


End file.
